Thirty One

It's New Years Eve! I like New Year's Eve because I usually have a really nice time. I've never been one for going out and drinking a lot or trying to fight my way through London to watch some fireworks because, well, I could go out drinking any day of the week if I wanted (and for a lot less than I imagine it costs to do it on New Years Eve...) and I know what fireworks look like so I have no real urge to see them while I'm being crushed by thousands of people.

My New Year's Eves usually involve eating nice food and then playing games. Sometimes that's with a big group of family friends, and sometimes it's just extended family or, like this year, it could just be me, my parents and my sister. We didn't have a very good Christmas this year so I'm quite excited about the prospect of us all sitting around in front of the TV with a board game and one of those Marks and Spencer "Party in for £10" deals. My family are very funny people - it will be good.

I hope whatever everyone else is doing tonight you all have a good time. And I hope that while you're doing whatever you're doing, you will still be admiring me for getting the word "enamoured" into a limerick. I know I will be.

Have fun!




My New Year's Eve's usually great.
But I know some might find it sedate.
I'm not really enamoured
Of going out getting hammered
When I could sit and play Articulate.




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Thirty

I spent the entire morning shopping. I think the combination of a lack of food/caffeine after waking up, and a scary number of women who get surprisingly nimble when they spot a bargain could have been what caused me to hate everyone and everything in the entire shopping centre. I'm alright now because I got a nice coat, so with the benefit of hindsight it was probably worth it. Unfortunately, I didn't have the option of hindsight while I was there. I was just angry.

I should also point out the the 'Kurt' mentioned in the poem is Kurt Geiger, because obviously I am in the habit of referring to designers by their first name. And also (mainly) because, well, have you ever tried to rhyme the word 'Geiger' with something??




A shop is a horrible place
When everyone joins in the race
For last season's shirt
Or cheap shoes made by Kurt.
One day I'll rip off someone's face.




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Twenty Nine

I'm really tired today. I don't know why. What it makes this tiredness extremely galling is that last night I went to bed vey early and listened to an audiobook efore I went to sleep. I never do that. I feel particularly hard done by that I'm tired even after taking a serious hit to my generally-quite-precarious-anyway coolness by reconstructing 'bedtime story' conditions. What exactly is the point of them if they're not going to help you sleep?

So anyway, I'm tired. Almost too tired to be able to come up with three words that end in 'illy' without being childish. I tried too. For almost a minute...




I'm so tired it's just really silly.
And I'm also a little bit chilly.
But I'm sorry, It's tough,
I'm not grown up enough
Not to finish this with the word 'willy'




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Twenty Eight

This is absolutely being written on the 28th of December. Of course it is! How dare you accuse me of missing a day like that? Just, er... don't check the date OK?

I had to go to wikihow again today (and by 'today' I mean Tuesday, which this obviously is, no problems here...) due to severe lack of any ideas so this limerck is all about how to survive high school. It may help to read it in a whiny American accent because that's what I was doing when I wrote it...



High School's a pretty rough stage
'Cos you're at such an awkward 'teen' age.
Justchill out, Go to class,
Don't act like an ass,
It's just a couple of years in this cage.




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Twenty Seven

I have to be very quick again as I'm about to miss Cranford and it's obviously essential viewing for a hard and fast living 20 year old such as myself...

I got a keyboard for Christmas. I have summed up my efforts so far:



Playing the keyboard is hard.
My efforts have so far been marred
By the fact that one song
Could be twelve minutes long
Since I play like the keys have been tarred.

Twenty Six

Ugh. Boxing Day. I actually like Boxing day because usually it means that you get to sit and wach TV all day and play with your presents (a keyboard, thanks for asking...) which I firmly intend to do. Unfortunately it'll have to wait until after I get home from work. People do enjoy a panto on Boxing Day and apparently that requires staff. Still, I love my job, but at the back of my mind all day there will be whatever crappy afternoon film I could hve been collapsed in front of. For the five minutes it took to write this limerick, I convinced myself I was actually going to get to watch the bad Christmas TV. I'm such an idealist, I really am...




I confess that I've gone a bit flat.
And I can't move from where I first sat.
But there's lots on TV
So I can't really see
What's so wrong with any of that.




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Twenty Five

I warn you now, this may all sound nerdy.


Yesterday, like probably most of the nation, I watched Doctor Who. I love Doctor Who, and I always have. One could almost call me a geek. However, takng into a accont the fact that my name is Nicola MASTERS, I found it slightly insulting that it is apparently a terrible fate to have a world dominated by Masters. Naturally, I decided to state my side of the argument. And of course, I did it in a limerick:




A world full of Masters sounds great!
There's a lot there to appreciate.
If you think about me
I'm sure you'll agree
It's really not that bad a fate...




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Twenty Four

I'll probably write a limerick on Christmas day, but there's no way I'll be spending any time on the computer so I won't be able to post it. I'll do a double Christmas special on boxing day. I'm sure everyone's very disappointed! In the meantime...


Christmas is just not the time
For me to freak out about rhymes.
So I'd just like to say
Have a wonderful day
Cos I certainly won't be online!

Twenty Three

This has to be uber-quick. Mainly because I got up early and I'm tired...

One of the things I have to do at work is to pick up all the litter in the auditorium between the matinee and the evening performances of the pantomime. (I work in a theatre if that wasn't clear.) Today I found cheerios all over the floor, an issue which I decided to address in limerick-al form. I think my pedantic drama student side came out towards the end, which I apologise for... I must confess I eat when I go to the theatre too...




Cheerios aren't a good food
When ou're in a theatrical mod.
There are ice creams and sweets
If you really must eat
But decorum would also be good!




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Twenty Two

Last night I had to walk home from work because th buses weren't running due to the ice. It was a pain in the bum anyway, but even more so once I'd fallen over a few times.I came across a patch of ice that was literally as smooth as an ice skating rink and managed to fall - actually I think I'm being too kind in saying I 'fell'. It was more like 'wiped out spectacularly' - four times in very quick succession. The thing that annoyed me was that I did this in front of two bus stops with about 40 pople standing around them, it was about 10:30 at night and I imagine it must've looked pretty painful because it feels it this morning, and nobody even glanced up as far as I can tell.

In a way I'm glad they didn't because I'd have been ridiculously embarrassed if anyone had tried to help me up or anything (and I probably would have taken them down too...) but even so, I want them to want to help me. Or at least look concerned. Or both would be nice.

That was fairly early on in my journey home so after that I spent the rest of the way grumbling under my breath like a maniac and I arrived home cold and bruised, but also all ready to write a limerick. I have to say, I never thought I'd see the day I started writing "revenge limericks".

Oh, and the panto I mention is where I'm working. I say in the poem it's 'ace'. It is.




Watford is not a nice place.
They don't help when you fall on your face.
And the buses won't run
If you can't see the sun
but their panto is pretty darn ace.




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Twenty One

Family dramas are not my strong point. Unfortunately there seems to be one unfolding in my house right now, which means I'm constantly ever so slightly on edge. My Grandad looks like he'll be in hospital for the forseeable future and we don't quite know what's going to happen, but there's been a lot of hasty re-arrangement of Christmas plans and the like (Also the chance that I may have to be heavily involved in the cooking of Chistmas Dinner which I'm definitely not qulified for...) and lots of relatives spending a lot of time at the hospital.

Anyway, I'm massively uncomfortable in situations like this. I try my best to be the "cheering up" kind of person in every situation, which is sometimes the right thing to do. I get the sense though that right now it's not, which means I feel fairly redundant. I also feel like I probably shouldn't talk to people without them speaking first since I don't know what mood they'll be in and I don't know what'll set them off. Ugh, I hate this.



I don't deal well when everyone's stressed
And I can't do anything for the best.
I might say something bad
And make everyone mad,
And I don't want to give it a test.




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Twenty

I didn't get up until 1pm today. And even then I went back to bed for a while. I justified it because I stayed up really late watching a documentary about Shakespeare and I thought, since it was all in the name of self-improvement, that that would make the laziness OK. I think it did. I'm not in the habit of staying in bed really late but I could get used to it - hopefully without feeling the need to jusitfy myself every time.


I also just need to point out that I know the last line goes a bit weird but 1) shut up, 2) it's inversion (or some such nonsense) and that means it's allowed and, if anything, it actually makes me deeply artistic and fancy and 3) shut up. I'm getting my 'defensive' on today.



I don't think you should criticise
All of my new attempts to be wise.
I watched learning TV
Which I'm sure you'll agree,
My lie in, totally justifies.




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Nineteen

I had a pretty good day for most of today. My mum, my sister and I went to the Royal Albert Hall for this show where everyone just sings a bunch of Christmas songs. It's a bit like posh karaoke really. It's also a little bit like Last Night at the Proms in that everyone turns up in funny hats and with their own 'props' and there's lots of little traditions (like mexican waves) that the whole place joins in with. It sounds a bit sad but if, like me, Christmas turns you into a five year old, it's a really good day.

When we got out of there we had a phone call saying that my Grandad had had a fall so we had to go straight back afterwards. It later turned out that his "fall" was actually a big heart attack. It's looking as good as it can at the moment and everyone has all their fingers crossed but there's not a lot else we can do right now.

Anyway, I didn't particularly feel right ignoring that fact,but nor did I feel right mentioning it in limerick form so I got stuck with this:




I'm not really sure what to say
About all that has gone down today.
Our day, which was nice,
Went downhill in a trice,
But I hope it'll all be okay.



(I do feel, mostly because I can't really pull it off, that I should probably promise never to describe events as "going down" again. I do promise that.)


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Eighteen

Guess what? I still have the mind of a five year old. My friend and I spent most of the morning chucking snow at each other. I can't even honestly say it took the form of anything as structured as "snow balls" most of the time. It's been snowing on and off all day, nobody can get their cars out of our road and all you could hear if you were to open the front door would be my neighbours' vain attempts at scraping the path.

Nobody else seems to see this as a good thing, which I 100% do not get. I just sat and watched the news and people were complaining. Again. Anyone would think we lived in Siberia or somewhere. It's hardly the apocalypse. Anyway, in case it wasn't clear thus far, it annoys me. I'm afraid it's led to yet another snow-themed limerick!




Stop moaning about all the snow!
It's supposed to be fun, don't you know?
If we weren't meant to play,
and skip work for the day,
We wouldn't have weather you can throw.






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Seventeen

I'm only just out of bed. But I have work tonight so I thought I'd better do this now to save stressing later on. The downside is that I had no ideas about what to write so I did my wikihow trick again. I went for a random article and came up with "how to make eggs in a basket". It's effectively fried bread with a fried egg in the bread. I can't quite get my head around it to be honest. It seems like the kind of thing that'd block your arteries just by looking at it, and if I'm blocking up my arteries I want it to involve chocolate or bacon, which this doesn't include. Basically, I just don't get the appeal.




Eggs in a basket seems gross.
An egg in a hole in some toast?
Cut a hole in the bread
add the egg - like a bed!
But too much turns you into a ghost.





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Sixteen

It's snowing!! Alright, it isn't now, but if you'd happened to see me today all you would have heard by way of a "hello" was "it's snowing!" in a pitch about five octaves above normal and often with a little jump thrown in for good measure. But do you know what? It was snowing. For anyone who hasn't realised by now I have a mental age of about 8 most of the time and I get really excited by things like snow. Or Christmas. Or snow. I like this time of year.

But I've come across a lot of people today who have been what I can only describe as "buzzkills". Snow is fun, but not everybody seems to agree. I've decided to use today's limerick to address this very important issue:



I dread that there might come a day
Where I actively wish snow away.
When I whine about trains,
Or have roads on the brain,
That's the day that you kill me - OK?




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Fifteen

I may have mentioned this before, but I've been busy recently. I still am, which is having the very odd side effect of making me actually want to do work on my dissertation. I've never really found myself trying to find the time before and... well, now I'm just repeating the limerick.





I never thought I'd feel such elation
At the chance to work on my dissertation.
But I relish each hour
When I have that power...
I'm never in this situtaion!





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Fourteen

Remember that time I said I had no time because I'd been at work and I also have a million and one other things going on? Well, that's true again. The only thing I have time to do is to clarify that 'The Moon' is the name of a pub near where I work. Otherwise that coul;d possibly change your reading of this limerick. And my mental state.



On Monday we went to The Moon.
Gin at 5pm felt like too soon.
But I guess then again,
My work day was insane.
And I don't care. Don't you judge me! You loon.

Thirteen

We put up our Christmas tree today. It's so big we had to chop the top off in order to get it into the house. My sister and I are very Christmassy people (Read: We act like five year olds when anyone mentions anything even remotely christmassy...) but even so, that's definitely some kind of record for us. It must be about eight foot tall with the top bit cut off. It's brilliant. I've spent the day pimping EVERYTHING in the house just to make sure that every living thing knows it's Christmas. I think they do now.



We've put up our new Christmas tree.
It's a sight that you really should see.
With the tinsel and lights,
It would win in a fight,
With Santa's grotto (if you ask me).





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Twelve

I've only just finished work. I don't have much time. I even had to get an idea of a subject off of my mum about 10 minutes ago. Sorry if it's not that good. And it's not.




Christmas shopping's a pain in the bum
Which is why I get all of mine done
In October (Or May!)
And I just have to say,
After that I still do it for fun!





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Eleven

I'm not a big drinker. This is mainly due to the fact that I very much am a big cheapskate and I just don't want to spend loads of money when I'm out. However, when the drinks are free it's another story. I went to a Christmas party last night, which did, unfortunately, mean free drinks. It also means that I'm now knackered because I had a late night after planning not to trek all the way across London for uni. However, I am incredibly anal about timekeeping and commitments so I couldn't bring myself to skip my lecture after all. Therefore I am tired. And my journey wasn't all that fun.



Tube journeys are different I'm sure
The morning post the "big night" before.
You moonwalked through a bar,
Sang, and played air guitar.
Now the wine wants to settle the score.




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Ten

I saw a really tall man today. As in really tall. I think I'd put him at about seven foot, because I'm about 5'6" and he was at least a foot and a half taller than me. This is the only thing of note that has happened to me all day (don't worry, I have a party to go to later...). Anyway, in the absence of anything more exciting happening, and taking into account the fact that for about three days I've been obsessing over glittery eyeliner and shoes (the party again...) I don't think this is too bad.

Actually no. Scratch that. You're better off just stopping now to be very honest.

And I had to say "8ft" because I didn't have enough syllables for seven.



If my head was 8ft from my toes,
I'd have an extra long bed don't you know.
I'd avoid strong windy gusts,
And for transport I must
Say train ceilings are just far too low...




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Nine

I've mentioned before that I was running out of ideas for these limericks. Today I decided to try something different. I went to a website I love, which is www.wikihow.com - It's a site where members of the public write articles about how to do things. I love it because there's a little link which brings up a random article about anything (called, cleverly enough,'random article') and I can sit for literally minutes just clicking this link - 'minutes' doesn't sound like a lot but I get bored easily... I enjoy seeing what weirdness people actually want instructions for, and also what weirdness people will write articles about. And then I climb onto my oh-so-familiar high horse and judge them.

So today I clicked the 'random article' link and decided that whatever came up, I would boil the article down to limerick form. I got "How to Get Ready for Bed": http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Ready-for-Bed




Preparation is usually key
To going to bed worry free.
Brush your teeth, wash your face,
Have no light in the place.
And please make sure you've had a wee!





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Eight

Every day when I get off the bus from work, I take a shortcut, which takes me down a tiny footpath through a little tiny wooded bit. I can only call it a 'bit' as I'm not sure there are words to describe an area of woods I can walk from one side of to the other in approximtely seven paces. When I say 'tiny', I mean TINY.

It's not exactly scary. I mean, yes it's technically a little like an alley and it's not lit or anything, but at the same time, my town is the living embodiment of 'suburban' so it doesn't exactly feel threatning.

Today however, I walked towards this tiny alley and saw a red light moving around in the trees. When I got nearer I could see it reflected in something (which I now realise were eyes...) and when I actually got onto the footpath proper this red thing ran at me and jump up my leg!

I'm just about over the minor heart attack I had as a result of that but as it turns out a man had decided it was good idea to attach a glowstick to his dog's collar. A great idea I'm sure, for the owners of the dog. But I don't really care about dogs all that much and, call me selfish, but I kind of care about me. Who lets a GLOWING dog run around a dark footpath?! Bastard.




To the man on the footpath tonight:
You gave me a huge f**king fright.
It's dark, yes, okay.
But I'd just like to say -
Your dog's glowing collar!? Not right!





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Seven

I am ill. I should warn you of that now because this limerick is whingy. I like to think I brought it around at the end, but it's still pretty whingy. Sorry about that. It's just an example of what I've been doing all day. I basically have Girl Man Flu.

While I'm thinking about it, I would like to point out that when I say I went "hours in the cold in the street" I was not doing anything even remotely prostitute-y, although that is how it sounded on a second reading, hence the clarification!

I would also like to say that just to avoid days like today and at least 5 of the other days so far, I am now willing to take suggestions for what I should do limericks about. I don't think I have 100 ideas in me.



My head hurts and so do my feet.
I croak and I cough - it's a treat!
But I guess now I know
That I shouldn't go
Hours in the cold in the street.





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Six

I'll come right out and say it. I used to be a cheerleader. And not just as in a "at a distant point in my past" kind of way, but all the way up to his summer. I went to watch my squad compete today and they did brilliantly! I got very jealous:



I used to throw girls in the air,
And wear pretty bows in my hair,
And get battered around,
And knocked to the ground.
I don't anymore. It's not fair!




I'm off to sulk now.

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Five

Ugh. I can see how maybe it'll be a struggle to keep this up what with the fact that Christmas tends to have me working pretty flat out. This'll probably work out fairly well for the people who actually look at these because there'll be less time to ramble first. Anyway, today I had a weird conversation with my Dad (I often do.):



If you chop up a badger it's true
That he's black and white all the way through.
And this is of course
Where man first found white sauce,
At least, that's what my Dad will tell you.





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Four

So, today I was walking down the high street in New Cross and I saw a new tattoo parlour that had just opened up. I always end up staring at tattoo parlours because 10% of me would like a tattoo at some point in my life, while the other 90% is terrified of everything about them. Also they are just about the least posh places ever to involve the word "parlour". You have to admire them for trying though.

In the window of this particular tattoo parlour was a sign that said: "No Pushchairs". I don't know if this makes me a snob but it had honestly never occured to me that someone would take their child when they get their tattoo done. I mean, it's not exactly your usual errand is it?

Anyway, it made me laugh. I did a limerick.



Please do not take your kids through
To the room where you'll get your tattoo
Unless you can afford
As a kind of reward
To get them inked up just like you.




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Three

I was planning something special today. It was going to be a searing indictment on the wasteful society we live in, inspired by the Cafe Nero at London Bridge station where they wanted to give me two cups for my coffee.

It didn't quite work out:

Not enough words rhyme with 'coffee'.
The only one I found was 'toffee'.
Two hours I tried,
I was dying inside.
It's enough to drive one to the offy!

Two

Maybe this hundred days thing will actually make me a better person purely by virtue of the fact that I'll be able to articulate my annoyance with people in whole new way. Of course, if this is anything to go by, it will also ensure that I get beaten up on the tube:


It's a truth universally known,
Public transport is not just our own.
So why did you four
Leave an old apple core,
And neglect to use any earphones?

One

OK, so, limerick number one. I suddenly realise that writing 100 limericks means writing ONE HUNDRED of them. Oof.

But here goes:

So today is the day I start writing,
In the hope that it might be enlightning.
There'll be "no, not quite" rhymes,
And irregular times,
But my gosh won't it all be exciting?